Physical Subculture

Wanna be Santa? Can you handle his training regimen?  Part of our workout today will come directly from a pirated copy of Santa’s training manual.  Ya think he’s fat ’cause he’s jolly?  He’s ‘fat’ because he needs the stored energy for that amount of work he has to do.  By the time the season is over, he’s down to around 185, although he starts the season at about 265.  Now keep in mind, a ’season’ for him is what appears to us as Christmas Eve.

“Silverberg is not so naïve as to think that Santa and his reindeer can travel approximately 200 million square miles – making stops in some 80 million homes – in one night. Instead, he posits that Santa uses his knowledge of the space/time continuum to form what Silverberg calls “relativity clouds.”

“’Based on his advanced knowledge of the theory of relativity, Santa recognizes that time can be stretched like a rubber band, that space can be squeezed like an orange and that light can be bent,” Silverberg says. “Relativity clouds are controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver presents while only a few minutes pass on Earth. The presents are truly delivered in a wink of an eye.” “

Santa’s workout consists of a great deal of postural work, eventually being dominated by squatting and carrying motions with great emphasis on rotational strength (that’s a lot of loading and unloading presents).

So today, after our squat max work, we’ll do some serious St. Nick lifting.

Max Squats.  Bands and box.

Sandbag front squats/stair carry.  Clean a heavy sandbag onto the shoulder and start squatting. After a bunch of them (8-10), carry the sucker up some stairs.  The building across the alleyway from Bodytribe has a great, rickety two-story stair case that works great. Try this a handful of times.  Santa won’t stop, will you?
Lunge Buelers/sled blast. Lunge bueler page.  Sled pulls can be replaced for blasts (pushing the sled). Go heavy and hard.

Now eat.  Well.  Remember, nothing with the word ‘nog’ in it can possibly be good for you.